Team U.S. In Complete Disarray

Wild Weekend Conference Call Ends In Shouting Match

Dow Offers To Resign After Admitting To “Brit-infatuation”

By: Datzit Indaruf, Flem Cup Correspondent

Ben Crenshaw Kisses The Ryder Cup - Most Likely The Last Cup Any American Will Kiss Until 2002

Ben Crenshaw Kisses The Ryder Cup – Most Likely The Last Cup Any American Will Kiss Until At Least 2002

MYRTLE BEACH, Oct 26, 2001 – In a stunning development, Team USA has apparently descended into chaos at the worst of all possible times – on the eve of first trans-Atlantic Flem Cup – with news of a wild conference call between Lou Flem, Jack Jr. and Captain Scott Dow where Dow ended up offering to resign after being accused by his teammates of being afraid of Team England.

According to unnamed sources, Cup namesake Flem kicked off the festivities by pointing out Dow’s tiresome and never ending warnings Team England’s golfing abilities. In his usual no-nonsense South Jersey manner, Lou got right to it after one too many warnings from Dow.

“Yo. All we’ve heard since you’ze got back from your trips has been all dis crap about how well Ian was playing, how great Greg Matthews is, how consistent Milo is, how cute Phil is, how our only chances are poor ole’ Ray Matthews and this pathetic sounding Swampy fellow. Then you go off on how committed they are, how sweet Joe’s swing is, how much fun quiz night is, how well-mannered the English are, blah . . . blah . . . blah . . . . . . . blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, ya know what I mean? I’m sicka dis crap. I mean, if they’re so freakin’ great, why don’t you’ze just move there and start talking like dem insteada da right way – like us?!?”

Apparently, co-Captain Jack Jr. concurred.

“Look, Scott . . . I know you can be a pretty good player – except when you’re playing me, of course – so let me put it this as delicately as I can. If you putt like you’ve been shooting a basketball lately, we’re dead. I mean D-E-D, dead. You shoot scared, you lose. You play golf scared, you lose. You need to suck it up and stop being such a pathetic weenie. I mean, for the love of Pete – they’re ENGLISH!”

Drama-queen that he is, Dow responded by offering to resign as Captain. While Lou was immediately agreeable, Jack reminded him that a change of that magnitude should be a team decision, especially on the eve of the Cup. By the call’s end, Dow remained Captain – for now.

The tumultuous call provided a clear juxtaposition against Team England’s rallying to their Captain Jennings’ side in response to the recently leveled charges of a non-conforming driver and playing with undersized balls. Emails from England supporters have been running approximately 107 to 1 in defense of Jennings, some even going so far as to accuse the Yanks of dulling their spikes in preparation for the Cup, an oblique and somewhat pathetic reference to the 1999 Ryder Cup celebration when Justin Leonard made his monster putt. [Editor’s note: Get over it, already, will you please?]

In a sudden and unexpected role reversal, it is now Dow who is in the hot seat. The only good news for him is that other than Lou and Jack, the American players seemed strangely ambivalent – oblivious, even – to the controversies. Chris Tanis, for instance, offered only a blank stare before replying, “Yeah, whatever.”

Defending Stableford champion Past Slack, on the other hand, had a number of unanswered questions.

“We have a Captain? And he’s the guy who’s never won?? What the . . . ? When is the trip again? Do we come back Monday or Tuesday? Who am I driving with?”

Terry Neal, a man of few words, was characteristically terse when asked a few questions about the issues that have been swirling. “Terry, are you concerned about Team U.S. morale and its overall mental state?”

TN: “Yup.” “Well, do you agree that Dow’s conduct is grounds for dismissal?”

TN: “Nope.” “Is there anything Dow can say to help the situation?”

TN: “Doubt it.” “What are your thoughts the Jennings small balls controversy?”

TN: “That dog won’t hunt.”

Young Matt, who was contacted while doing his homework, had this to say:

“Hey, I’m getting out of school for 4 days and a free golf trip – what do I care who the captain is?”

When Jack Sr, was contacted for comment, he ignored the controversy entirely.

“I’ll have to check on the genealogy of ‘Jennings’ – could be quite interesting. Could be derived from lemmings”

Returning to Jack Jr, the question was posed as to his thoughts about the team’s appalling ignorance of the issues and seemingly apathetic attitude. Shrugging his shoulders, his only reply was,

“I don’t know . . . and frankly, I don’t care.”

Finally, the U.S. Captain himself was questioned over the sad state of affairs. Asked why he’d offered to resign, Dow said:

“Well, it appears I’ve lost their confidence, their loyalty, and their will to follow me wherever I lead – so I wanted to let them decide whether or not they want me to continue leading them. It’s up to them.”

When told about his comment, Lou let out a derisive snort.

“He never had any of those things – how could he lose ’em?”

At the end of the day, Dow’s offer to resign was a non-starter. Terry spoke for the majority.

“Then we’d have to do all this stupid organizing and paperwork. Does it look like we just fell off the turnip truck?”

Asked about the original accusation of being afraid of Team England, Dow’s normally calm, cool demeanor seemed to finally crack, a flustered look appearing on his face.

“Ok, ok, I admit it. Anyone who has spent time with them simply has to be impressed. That’s what my teammates don’t understand. The Brits just have this incredibly elegant, graceful aura. That’s why their people do the most infomercials. They’re kind of like, well, “Chantilly Lace” people. The way they talk and always sound so smart even if they’re dumber than a box of rocks, the way they pile mushy peas on the back of their forks and don’t spill any; the way they gather for quiz night so serious-like; the way they watch a cricket match and actually care; the wiggle in their walk, the giggle in their talk, it makes my world go round. They make me act so funny, make me spend my money, they even make me feel real loose like a long-neck goose – oooh baby, that’s a-what I want. Magnificent pagan beasts – that’s what they are.”

As news of these recent developments leaked out, bookmaker odds have shifted dramatically in favor of Team England, moving the Brits from a 6:5 underdog to an 8:5 favorite as millions of pounds and dollars have been dumped on the England side. In light of the highly unorthodox state of the US team, their obvious lack of focus and their apparent lack of commitment to practice, is now changing its prediction to a hard fought 12-1/2 to 11-1/2 Team England win with a bullet: it could easily be worse for the Americans, much worse.