American Side Stunned By Tone Of Message
By: Datzit Indaruf, Flem Cup Correspondent
MYRTLE BEACH, Oct 28, 2001 – In an incredible development on the back of accusations of club throwing against Team England Captain and bad-boy of England golf, Ian Jennings’, an apparently secret, encoded message containing war-like threats has been sent – almost certainly accidentally – to Team US Captain Scott Dow. Skeptical of Jennings’ explanation that it came from England Co-Captain Joe Brooks, Dow claims inside information that it is, in fact, a copy of a motivational speech that Jennings has delivered or intends to deliver to his team. Apparently written phonetically in a cryptic English dialect, suspicions are that it was completed late one night (very late) at AGS headquarters in the Angel.
Dow commented that “its entirely possible that if Ian was sounding out the words after his typical 8-10 bottles of wine using phonics, well, that would explain quite a bit.” Dow actually remembers Jennings using similar bits of the speech the last time he was collected after a Trans-Atlantic flight (Dow specifically remembers Jennings saying: “HIYABOI, OWYADUIN. WADDAGRATFLITEZGOT. WHAIRSDABAH?”
The text of the message has been released and is provided here so our readers can judge for themselves:
AZUZ OWERERENO,TYANKS R GUNNABEINTMYRE FROMT FESTDAY TUTLAST. NONONEMZAD TRAYNIN UZLOTAV ANNAJUST DUNTGYEM MUCHARANOPE. THIANTAD TEWD GUDDUNZ TELLINNUM ARTUGOOABART BEIN REYTCRAFTI TUCHUK IMAZ THAPLAYINAGEANST OFFERTTRAK. YERALLNO OWT TEWD GUDDUNZ UVTELDUZ WENTHAZALL BIN LAYINUP AFOOWER THAZJUSTGOTTER TELLTHISSEN THACKAN GUFFERIT ANTHALBI REYT. WIVBINTELD OWTU KEYPUZ EARDZ REYT WENWIRUNDATCOSH ANWIVALL BIN TECKON OVVER LOOADS O GERRARTSHOTZ SAYMAZT PROWSDOO. ALLTLURNIN WIVADZ GOTTER PURRUZ UPTHEAR WITBESTONEM ANIFTHA GETZINTCRAP DUNTFOGHETT SUMMERT REYT GREYT WEYS OPLEYINTSHOTZ TEWD GUDDUNZ UVGIDDUZ, ANNO ARWAINT COSSUMMONEM WOH REYT GUDD REMEMBA!
ANWIMUSNTFUGHET SUMMAT THINGZTHITELDUZ ABART SPOOATZMUNSHIP ANALGIYERSUMMONNEM:
- TELLINUMWEAHALLTTRUBBELIZ OVVERANOVVERAGGEAN
GUDDLUKLADZ LETZMEKKIT AGREYTWEAK FURRUZANTHEM ANLETZ NOTFUGHET IFFWIRSPOZZY ENUFFTOWIN WILLOWITALL TUT TEWD GUDDUNZ (GREYT BALLCLOBBERERS IFFEVVATHIWURRANY!)
American Navaho Indians are working feverishly to decode the entire message but they have tentatively succeeded in breaking only the last two lines. Translators are fairly confident that they read as follows:
“Good luck lads. Let’s make it a great week for us and them and lets not forget if we’re spozzy [sic] enough to win, we’ll owe it all to two good ones – great ball clobberers. If ever, then war on New York!”
These comments, which have spread like wild-fire, have served to consolidate a previously unhinged American side that was only yesterday basically a basket case. Suddenly, the Americans, world-renown for their ability to come together successfully in a crisis, have a symbol to focus on – Captain Jennings and his apparent desire to bring the Cup to its knees and even to destroy it.
So this is what it has come to – in a matter of only a few hours, Captain Jennings has managed to insult and thoroughly disrespect Lou Flem, England Co-Captain Joe Brook, the Flem Cup and, indeed, the entire United States of America as well as bringing the American Cup side back from life-support – something no one else, in all likelihood, could have done. It is the Team England fabric that is now appearing to fray as the upcoming Cup looms. The other players seem to be quite unhappy with Jennings’ most recent activities and appear anxious to distance themselves from him and his remarks. How all of this plays out remains to be seen but it appears Captain Jennings has disappeared from public view (whether by his choice or other’s is not currently known).
As a side note, within 15 minutes of this news coming out, Team England has gone from being a 9:5 favorite to a 7:5 favorite and are dropping like 2000 lb. bombs on caves in Afghanistan. Where will all this lead? Stay tuned.