Good News / Bad News For Team England

The Good – Original Decoded Section Not A Threat

The Bad – Newly Decoded Sections Cause New Waves

And The Ugly – Jennings: “So Long As We Can Break The Rules Outright, We Won’t Make You Allow Us To Make Them Up To Our Advantage

By: Datzit Indaruf, Flem Cup Correspondent

U.S. Captain Scott Dow Reacts To The Latest Translation Of Captain Jennings' Secret Message

U.S. Captain Scott Dow Reacts To The Latest Translation Of Captain Jennings’ Secret Message

 MYRTLE BEACH, Oct 29, 2001 – The day started with some badly needed good news for team England as it was determined that the original decoded portion of a secret satellite transmission that was intercepted by Reuters News Service and subsequently released to American Co-Captain Scott Dow was misinterpreted and does not contain threats against New York.

Evidently some simple mistakes were made by the expert American Navaho Indian decoding teams, whose language was used as a secret, unbreakable code during WWII, and they have rather drastically changed the content of the first message. The original message and original translation are shown here (original on left):

GUDDLUKLADZ LETZMEKKIT AGREYTWEAK FURRUZANTHEM ANLETZ NOTFUGHET IFFWIRSPOZZY ENUFFTOWIN WILLOWITALL TUT TEWD GUDDUNZ (GREYT BALLCLOBBERERS IFFEVVATHIWURRANY!)

Good luck lads. Let’s make it a great week for us and them and lets not forget if we’re spozzy (sic) enough to win,  we’ll owe it all to two good ones – great ball clobberers. If ever, then war on New York

The revised translation released this morning contained a rather major change:

“Good luck lads. Let’s make it a great week for us and them [not ‘your Anthem’] and let’s not forget if we’re positive enough to win we will owe it all to two good ones – great ball clobberers if ever there were any [not ‘then war on NY’]“.

So the message appears not quite as militaristic as originally thought. When asked about the mistake, Chief Singing Niblick said “Sorry, my bad.”

Just as the rare good news momentarily lightened the mood at the Team England camp, it was learned that the strategy with which Captain Jennings selected his pairings on Day 2 was based on trying to give one or more American players the absolute minimum amount of time between morning and afternoon matches. This incredible affront to the sensibilities of decent people everywhere came to light when he phoned Captain Dow complaining about the fact that Dow had changed to order (not the matches or pairings – just the order of matches) so that no player on either side would go out last in the morning and first in the afternoon – the very thing Jennings had plotted and schemed for. In order to be even-handed, Dow had made sure the shortest turn-around times belonged to the Yanks (co-captains Dow and Tanis Jr. have the shortest breaks). Jennings complained loud and long about the “illegal” changing of the match order until Dow pointed out that:

  1. He had told Jennings he was going to do that before the pairings were set for sporting reasons, and,
  2. There is no rule against the host team changing the order – the teams select only pairings and matches, not order of play.

Caught momentarily at a loss of words for the second time in only 51 weeks, Jennings responded that

“Well, as long as you [Dow] are allowing us to use illegal clubs, we won’t try to make you change the order to the most unfair arrangement we can think of.”

Despite the fantastically sportsmanlike compromise Jennings offered, Dow seemed unimpressed, commenting:

“I was just amazed that the whole Ryder Cup / spike marks thing wasn’t brought up – again.”

But even before the furor of that new revelation died down, Chief Singing Niblick released the latest interpretations of the intercepted message to the public. While far from being militaristic, these translations did continue to show a complete disdain and lack of respect for Team USA and the ancient game of golf and its gentlemanly customs that the Yanks (at least) take so seriously. In light of the previous mistake, the newly interpreted sections (the bullet points towards the end of the message) are laid out here for the readers to look at and judge for themselves.

ANWIMUSNTFUGHET SUMMAT THINGZTHITELDUZ ABART SPOOATZMUNSHIP NALGIYERSUMMONNEM:

And we mustn’t forget some of the things they told us about sportsmanship and I’ll give you some of them:

  • RATTLINTIONZWENTHIPUTTIN (Rattling coins when they’re putting)
  • STANDINREYTBEINDUMONTSHOTZ (Standing right behind them during shots)
  • TELLINUMWEAHALLTTRUBBELIZ OVVERANOVVERAGGEAN (Telling them where all the trouble is over and over again)
  • FAHTINONTOPPONENTZTEKAWEY (Farting on the opponent’s takeaway)

As more and more of the full message is decoded, it becomes clear that the Americans have gotten themselves into a very difficult situation against an opponent that has no concern for the rules of golf, etiquette or sportsmanship. They can only hope that these issues are confined to the actions of the England Captain Ian Jennings but as yet, not a single Team England player has denounced these actions or officially distanced themselves from his increasingly disgraceful (and pathetic) strategies. Rather than leave a sleeping and de-moralized American side alone, Jennings has chosen an extremely inopportune time to waken his opponents from their dysfunctional slumber. The Americans, to a man, are enraged by his behavior and are now completely focused on keeping the Cup, which has never left American soil, at home in as punishing a defeat as they can muster. Spectators won’t need a calculator to keep track of conceded putts this weekend – they will be few and far between.