England Captain Phonetically Challenged?
By: Datzit Indaruf, Flem Cup Correspondent
SPINKHILL, ENGLAND, Oct 30, 2001 – This truly incredible Flem Cup continues to unfold like a cheap novel as Team England Co-Captain Ian Jennings was peppered with charges that he took it upon himself to change the name of the event from “Flem Cup” to the “Lou Flem Cup”, a change that has already been memorialized on every team shirt ordered through Co-Captain Greg Matthews. Team England members attribute the Cup’s name change, a change Jennings rammed through with little discussion or, apparently, thought, to his now obvious problems with phonetics (and his apparent fear of having phlegm on his shirts).
Meanwhile, news of the weekend’s unsavory events in the American side involving has clearly had a profound effect on the golfing world this side of the Atlantic. Following recent revelations of the unrest within Team USA, this reporter was dispatched out into the wilds of Derbyshire to track down Team England Co-Captains Ian Jennings and Smokin’ Joe Brook. What follows may cause some readers a little unrest.
When approached, Team England Co-Captain Ian Jennings was aghast at the accusations leveled at him by the mighty Lou Flem.
“What do you mean I deliberately changed the name of the cup !? I’ve played in it for umpteen years now – OK, so I really let my teammates down last year – but as far as I’m aware, Lou Phlegm has always been ‘Lou Phlegm’ and NOT just ‘Phlegm’… If you think I’m going to have Phlegm Cup on my shirt, then you’ve got another thing coming!”
His menacing stare and enamel crunching grimace was cut short when it was pointed out that “phlegm” was, in fact, spelled “Flem”. For the first time since last year’s final day singles matches in South Carolina, Jennings was caught speechless, his only response being “Oh . . . Well . . . . Really ?” Obviously flustered, Jennings immediately jumped into the back of his waiting limo with his personal (and unidentified) female ball monitor and sped off.
Joe Brook, Team England Co-Captain, was a little more forthcoming in his version of events as he remarked
“Ian has had a slight problem with his phonetic alphabet from childhood. He gets a vision of a particular word in his head and acts or speaks accordingly. In this case, the words ‘phlegm’ and ‘flem’ brought visions of . . . well, I’m sure you can imagine for yourself. It was only after much discussion and explanation from fellow Team England members that he realized the mistake he’d made.”
Lou Flem, for one, is not buying the story.
“Yo, I mean, he may not be da sharpest tool in the shed but its hard to imagine he could be that dense. Everyone called it the ‘Flem Cup’, the paperwork said ‘Flem Cup’, I mean, come on, ya know? It was never the ‘Lou Flem Cup’. Jeez, I’m not even dead! Who names a tournament after a guy who’s not even dead? All I can say is I’ll deal with him in South Carolina – on and off the course! I made sure we have adjoining rooms so he better learn to bark like a dog.”
Team U.S. Co-Captain Jack Tanis Jr. pointed out that the phonetic spelling IS ‘F-L-E-M’ and not ‘P-H-L-E-G-M’. Tanis commented that “if Jennings thought it was Lou ‘Phlegm’ and was really a hooked on phonics guy, he would have been pronouncing it ‘Puflegem’ so that just doesn’t wash.”
In an effort to help the Cup return to any semblance of normalcy, toy giant Mattel has offered to supply a copy of ‘The Phonics Game’ for Mr Jennings to use while in Myrtle Beach. Jennings has not responded to the offer despite the fact that it includes a guarantee of a full letter-grade improvement during the first grading period it is used.