Ian Jennings Issues Statement

Explanation Tests Boundaries of Believability

By: Datzit Indaruf, Flem Cup Correspondent

MYRTLE BEACH, Oct 31, 2001 – As our previous article correctly predicted, this issue of Ian Jennings’ attempted “murder by driver” has deteriorated into a “he did / he didn’t” controversy. Obviously this paper was not privy to the original incident and can only rely on witnesses. The investigative report issued by Iva Tufshot contained the facts as related by an anonymous third party who claimed to be speaking for the only eyewitness – Mr. Paul Nelson. Although Ms. Tufshot has been attempting to get in contact with Mr. Nelson, skeptical England fans may also be able to contact Paul Nelson or his brother Mark (to whom the incident was related at the time) at Renishaw Park Golf Club.

Team England staff and representatives have, in the last half hour, just come out of one of their longest strategy meetings to date. Following particular allegations from Team USA, the whole team was summoned to attend an emergency summit to discuss the ramifications of Team USA Co-Captain Scott Dow’s accusations.

At the subsequent press conference, Team England Captain Ian Jennings refuted all suggestions of any previous misbehavior either on or off the course, claiming that his counterpart Captain Dow is merely availing himself of the art of mudslinging, an art he is, according to Jennings something  for which Team USA are widely renowned.

Now, here in its entirety is the statement issued by Ian Jennings in relation to the alleged club flinging incident:

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I can categorically deny any involvement whatsoever in the allegation that I did purposefully try to maim Co-Captain Dow at Renishaw Park Golf Club. Having earlier spoken to my fellow playing partners from that day, what Dow conveniently forgets from that particular day is that the heavens had poured forth for the best part of three hours. The driver I had was a USGA conforming Ping ISI Titanium, albeit I admit that the grip was in desperate need of replacement.

Having taken the club to the top of my back swing I instantly knew something was wrong. On dropping the club inside the line I felt my fingers slipping from the grip and had to act accordingly. Now when you’ve had as much shaft control as me, you automatically know how to react. I pulled out of the shot, clipping the ball on the way through causing it to shoot straight left. With one foot off the floor (to try and redirect the slipping club), I tried my best to divert the club over my left shoulder therefore rendering no-one in any danger. Unfortunately for Dow, being a dumb left stander, he had not taken his proper place on the right hand side of the tee box.

The club shaft merely clipped his midriff – not especially difficult if you’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing where he places his 20 pints of Stella Artois each evening. I mean it’s not like it’s just a little bump – Like his ego, judging by some of the rubbish he’s already spoken, it’s huge.

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Judging by the standing ovation received by Jennings and his foot soldiers from the watching crowds, it should be clear to all that this is a man and a team unwilling to back down or shy away from confrontation.

When contacted for comment, Dow appeared unconcerned about the numerous contradictions between his story and the above statement. He commented:

“I’m just waiting for someone to talk to Paul about the incident. He is such a fine gentleman and sportsman – I am confident he will help the truth come out. If you’re out there Paul, I would ask that you answer 3 questions:

  • Was it raining that day?
  • Were we on the left or right side of the tee relative to Ian?
  • Did he obviously and deliberately fling his driver at me?

The correct answers to those questions are no, right, yes and if Paul is simply allowed to answer those questions, I’m completely confident that the truth will out because knowing Paul’s class and integrity, he would not fall prey to any shenanigan’s Mr. Jennings may attempt. Not that he might – he will. I’m sure the call has been made.”

Stunning accusations continue to fly from each side as the Cup draws near. With each team’s departure now imminent, finding the truth about this penultimate scandal may prove difficult. If Paul Nelson is out there reading this, he can contact FlemCup.com at any time, day or night.