Captain Jennings Levels Explosive Charges
Claims To Have Proof
By: Datzit Indaruf, Flem Cup Correspondent
MYRTLE BEACH, Nov 4, 2001 – Coming off an impressive Day 2 beat down of the American side at Prestwick, explosive bribery and corruption charges were leveled against Team U.S. Captain Scott Dow. In a stunning allegation, England Captain Ian Jennings claimed that Dow paid local women to buy shots for celebrating members of Team England. At a press conference prior to today’s 4-ball matches, which the Americans won 2-1/2 to1-1/2, Jennings, wearing dark glasses, holding a large container of ibuprofen and talking softly between frequent deep breaths, laid out his case.
“At first, it seemed likely that two attractive young women were plying us with booze because they were irresistibly attracted to me, or possibly Greg, who also has the kavorka, or lure of the animal. But I found it incomprehensible that they never stayed for long afterwards. Also, they were buying shots for the entire team, which seemed odd to me so I began to watch more closely.”
Around 11 pm, my suspicions were confirmed. Looking up, I noticed Captain Dow, who ‘ad started for the men’s room, not going into the men’s room at all – ‘e was walking out the front door. Now, ‘e ‘ad no reason to go out there, not being a smoker, and when two of the women bringing us shots also ‘eaded out . . . well, I just kept an eye fixed on that door. After a minute, they all re-entered – and he ducked into the john. Now it doesn’t take Sherlock ‘Olmes to smell a rat when not one but two women show him any attention! Sure enough, the women soon showed up with another tray of shots but with all the noise, I couldn’t make the lads understand what was going on. They were too far gone at that point.”
But Jennings claims to have more than just allegations against Dow, he claims to have proof. According to Jennings, after the fifth and final round of shots was produced at about 1:00 am, the two locals admitted that it was U.S. Team Captain Scott Dow that had given them money to try to put Team England off their game for the crucial Day 3 matches that the Yanks did win.
Judging by outward appearances, affected golfers include Swampy, Super Dave and Stud-Muffin’ Matthews, the former spending most of the morning in a bathroom stall and the latter two each seen wearing dark sunglasses and wandering aimlessly while taking lots of deep, cleansing breaths.
When asked for comment, Dow said “Its just a bit of sour grapes on their end. Its nothing but their pathetic gamesmanship. If they have proof, they should bring it forward and stop agitating. I am suffering from the same sickness this morning. I was physically ill and my head is pounding – why would I put myself through that ?”
It can be disclosed that FlemCup.com’s intrepid investigative reporter, Iva Tufshot, is actively pursuing this disturbing story. Judging from recent controversies surrounding Jennings, these claims may prove to be just as fictitious as Jennings’ version of the club throwing incident, leaving zero credibility on the Team England side. Captain Dow has thus far handled himself professionally and ethically and it may be quite a stretch to consider him guilty of these charges. In addition to the Flem Cup prize, Jennings’ entire reputation is now at stake.