Locals Corroborate Jennings’ Version
By: Datzit Indaruf, Flem Cup Correspondent
MYRTLE BEACH, Nov 4, 2001 – Coming off an impressive Day 2 beat down of the American side at Prestwick, explosive bribery and corruption charges were leveled this morning against Team U.S. Co-Captain Scott Dow. In the stunning allegation, England Captain Ian Jennings claimed that Dow paid local women to buy shots for celebrating members of Team England. At the presser prior to today’s 4-ball matches, Jennings, wearing dark glasses, holding a large container of ibuprofen and talking softly between frequent deep breaths, laid out his case.
Now, despite Dow’s repeated denials, any benefit of the doubt he may have gotten at the start of the day is long gone, along with all credibility. With the teams out on the course, investigative reporter Iva Tufshot landed an exclusive interview with Laura Lee Sugarbuns, one of the young ladies in question, and the full scope of Dow’s unquenchable appetite for victory has been exposed. After showing Ms. Sugarbuns a picture of the dastardly American Captain to insure no case of mistaken identity could occur, the interview began.
Iva Tufshot: Laura Lee, how did you get involved with this fellow, Scott Dow, last night?
Laura Lee Sugarbuns: Well, we was just a-sittin’ theyuh, minding our lil’ old bizness when this feller – Dow, you called him? – well, this Dow feller poked his old head ‘tween Tammy Mae an’ me an’ asked us if he could talk at us out front – so out we went. And do you know what he asked us? He asked us if we wuz patriodic ‘mericans! Can you ‘magine? Well, we said we shur wuz, mister.
Anyway, he says he needs our hep cuz America’s losing ‘n we cud be a big hep in beatin’ back the English hordes. Well, I said I thought they wuz our friends but he laughed and laughed and asked us if’n we’d heard of the Revolutionary War’n all? Well, I said sure and he said you heard of the war of 1812 or something and I said no and he said we fought ‘em agin. Well I had no idea!
So then he says this is a different kinda war and he needs us to take some money and buy them fellers with the funny accents some shots – and to mix ‘em up reeeal good – cuz it’d really hep America out. Oh, and most important, he says, was to leave him outta it cuz if’n he got caught, he might be tortured n’all.
Tufshot: So what did you do?
Sugarbuns: Well, I don’t know ‘bout no war but dem England fellers sure turned out to be real nice and they sur’nuf wuz easy to find, what with ’em all singing out loud with them funny accents n’all. So we done it.
Tufshot: How much money did he give you?
Sugarbuns: Eighty bucks. So first we bought ’em some ‘ole Jack Daniels. An’ I got to meet Greg, you know, the big, dark, handsome feller. What a stud-muffin HE iz! Oooh my, he was dreeeeamy. Oh an’ that Ian . . . mmmmmm. He wuz just smooooth as molasses, he wuz. And that cute ‘lil Phil – I just wanted to pick him up and take him home!
Then later we got ‘em shots of tequila, and I got to meet that Swamp-feller. He was so funny . . . and cute! And then we got ‘em lemon drops – those’ll waste y’all in a hurry, honey! I just luv ’em, don’t you?!? And then, well, we wuz outta money.
Tufshot: So you spent the $80. Then what happened?
Sugarbuns: Well, then that Dow feller come back and gave us sixty more bucks and asked us to keep doin’ it cuz we wuz doin’ great, hepin’ America an’ all, but by then I din’t care nothing ‘bout America cuz we wuz having so much fun! If them fellers is the enemy, I wanna be captured, ya know?!?
Tufshot: So you bought two more rounds?
Sugarbuns: I reckon. I lost count when I wuz staring into Greg’s eyes. Mmmmmm.
Following today’s round, Chris Tanis, as a matter of personal conscience, admitted to unwittingly funding some of Dow’s shenanigans. Denying any knowledge of what the money’s true purpose was, saying:
he said Dow claimed it was for
“[Dow] said it was an insurance policy . . . for tomorrow. I feel terrible! I thought he was going to the driving range! Now THAT would have been worthwhile! But it was after midnight and $40 would have NEVER been enough – how foolish of me!”
After Jennings made his suspicions known this morning, England players were not a happy bunch and Dow not a popular man. Swampy, in particular, was outraged at what he referred to as “lower than a snake’s belly behavior.” Although it was difficult to make out what he was saying with his head in the toilet, he went on to mumble something about it being the “most despicable, ‘orrible, unsportsmanlike be’avior I can even imagine. I don’t think I can bring meself to even talk to ‘im today. Ooooh, me achin’ ‘ed.”
With Captain Jennings reportedly looking into legal action, Dow had no comment when confronted with the developments, mumbling something about “all’s fair in love and war . . . and golf” before fleeing to his room and slamming the door.
Developing . . .